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2022 was all about transmuting my greatest pain and lessons into the greatest death / rebirth transformation of my life. I was married to what I now realize was a Covert Narcissist*. If you’ve experienced the discard phase of narcissistic abuse, you know how horrific and cruel it truly is. It is the most mind-bending, head-spinning, shocking experience that leaves you feeling paralyzed. I was horrified to realize I didn't really know him when the mask fell during the discard phase. None of it was real. All an illusion. 16 years of my life was a scam.I’ve learned so much about emotional abuse and manipulation tactics I didn’t realize existed- terms like:
- Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
- Covert, Overt, Malignant Narcissism
- Discard / Reverse discard
- Narcissistic rage
- Trauma bond
- Reactive abuse
- Trauma Brain
- Intermittent reinforcement
- Cognitive dissonance
- Word salad
- Gray rocking
Learning about them was like reading excerpts of the past 16 years of my life. What I thought were unique relationship dynamics were actually not unique. I felt seen. Heard. Validated. Relieved. All of the shame, guilt, self-blame… released.
One of the most mind-blowing things I've learned is how similar the experiences of survivors of narcissistic abuse are. I’ve learned that to know one narcissist is to know all. If you’re sensitive to energies, they also carry a very unique energetic signature. Honor your intuition, and please know help is available. It can save lives.
I was initially fearful of talking about my experience. My inner child wounds telling me ‘people will judge you’, ‘no one will believe you’, ‘some things should remain private’.
But I chose to release those fears because this post isn’t really about him or what he did. It’s about acknowledging that narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone before they realize what’s happening to them. Knowledge is power, and I hope that sharing my story can help others recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and find the help they need. I will be creating more content around this topic in 2023.
I’ve accepted this experience as a powerful lesson around self-love, self-respect, and self-worth. Although I understood these concepts intellectually, the spirit world showed me I didn’t actually feel them within myself. For three years, they’ve dropped hints about my marriage but I wasn’t ready to face the music. I’m thankful that they intervened, told me I was being abused, led me to resources, and ultimately gave me the evidence I needed when I was ready to accept the truths. The spirit world truly saved my life.
As a shaman, I recognize the importance of understanding human behavioral patterns and am thankful for the role licensed professionals play in our society. I've come to appreciate the intersections between psychology and spirituality and the roles we respectively play in helping people heal.
I owe my deepest gratitude to licensed professionals, the spirit world, and survivors who found the courage to share their stories.
I can honestly say it was worth every ounce of strength it took to leave. I’m excited to see what the future holds, with my spirit healthy and whole again.
Cheers to surviving and thriving!
*Disclaimer: Please note that only a licensed professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder. This post is intended to bring awareness about the emotional abuse I’ve experienced from someone with covert narcissistic traits, as described by leading licensed professionals in the field and survivors of narcissistic abuse. Foundational knowledge about emotional abuse tactics can be life-saving. Awareness is the first step in recognizing objectively what’s happening to you.